About a year ago, I did a 3-part series of blog posts called “Leadership Confessions”. These were honest posts regarding some of my own insights and struggles in leadership. Well, I’d like to pick up the series once and share some more thoughts on leadership. For those who may have missed my previous posts, here are the links to the first three:
Here’s Part 4 – “The Most Painful Part of Leadership”
Leading an organization, business, or network is no small endeavor. Beyond the organizational infrastructure and administration needed to effectively develop a group, there exists actual individuals who all have their own opinions, vision, and desires for what your group ought to be like. This complex web of relationships creates an impossible environment for any one leader to meet all of the “needs” of the people he/she is leading. As a result, it’s inevitable that some people will leave. Some will leave on good terms and others, not so good. 
One of my roles as a leader is that of being a pastor for a local faith community. I love my role as a spiritual leader. I’m very mindful of the responsibility and influence I have in shaping the world view and practice of those who choose to be a part of our community. It’s a great honor to be in this role. I don’t take it lightly.
Over the past 2 decades of leadership in ministry, I have seen people come and go in the various ministries that I have been a part of. Positive transitions are always the best. I love supporting people through their various stages in life. Playing even a small role in a unique season of a person’s life gives me great pleasure. Nevertheless, there is one kind of leaving that continues to give me great pain.
So, here’s my confession:
For me, the most painful part of leadership is when those I have invested my life in suddenly disconnect without any conversation. One day…they’re just no longer around. Some don’t even return emails or phone calls.
This is extremely painful. It’s one thing to have casual people leave your organization, but it’s something totally different when people that you have invested much in decide to leave without telling you.
Here’s the process of thought for me whenever this occurs:
- I enter a season of mourning and doubt. I mourn the relational loss of someone I considered a friend. I then begin to doubt whether or not I was of value to them. I ask questions like “Could I have done something different?” “Was it something I did or not do?” “Was our friendship real to begin with or was I more like a product that they had chosen for a season?”
- I usually seek the encouragement of my wife and/or a good friend. Quite honestly, I need to be reminded that their decision to leave probably had very little to do with me. Nevertheless, it still hurts.
- I grow in my distrust of people. I start to build a wall of resistance towards relationships. Then after a little while, I usually clear my head and try hard not to project this experience on others. I open myself up to others once again. I always believe that it is better to engage people even at the risk of being hurt than it is to not engage at all.
- I think about the grace that I’ve been given by God and others. I tell myself that my role is that of a servant-leader. A true servant does not expect anything in return. Any return made is taken with great gratitude. I know that I can’t change hearts nor expect people to commit to me at any level. I do my best to give the person(s) the benefit of the doubt. I choose to be optimistic with others, even those who have caused pain (whether intended or not).
- I then celebrate what I was able to do for that person(s). Even though the relationship was shorter than expected, it is often still a good time of friendship and partnership. I never want to discard the joys of the past because of the present.
- Finally, I make sure I recommit my life towards being a good leader and friend. I’m reminded of the kind of friendship that Jesus referred to. He said that we ought to love our friends in the way he loved us (i.e., sacrificially and unconditionally).
What has been your experience and how do you work through your pain (if any) in this area?
[Note: The experiences mentioned above are a collective thought towards what I experienced over the past 15+ years of ministry at a local church. It does not reflect a particular time frame of reference so please don't read into it if you have been a part of recent ministry with me. I purposely waited to write about this much after the experience.]
This post is tagged Leadership, Leadership Confessions, Ministry, Pain, Painful Part of Leadership
10 Comments
Leadership development is about personal development and the experiences we have on our life’s journey creates the necessary personal capacity required to lead.
It seems to me that life’s experiences and our response to them are key to, how leaders are formed, and the kind of leaders we become.
Ive experienced this type of heart brake, heart restoration, to leadership from the heart.
I agree with your review and progression of this confession. Thanks for sharing your heart Charles!
@miltonherring-twitter
The experiences that shape us as leaders, as we journey through life are referred to as passages by David Dotlich in the Ivey Business Journal article, “Adversity: What Make a Leader the Most” describing life’s adverse and diverse experiences as passages because:
“they take you from one place to another. You see the world and yourself differently after you’ve gone through the events and emotional states that define each passage…these passages are emotionally and cognitively intense….as a result your sense of self changes in a fundamental way. Who you are, what you’re capable of doing and your place in the world will all shift”
Hope this helps someone!
@miltonherring-twitter
Well said Milton. The beautiful thing is that pain produces genuine hope and trust.
Wow! This brought me to tears as i remembered the pain from these types of situations. The Lord has always reminded me “hurt people, hurt people.” When someone I have spent time pouring my life leaves as if I have offered nothing, I realize there must have been hurts still buried in this person. I begin to pray for compassion (of course after being really angry first
) and ask for wisdom on how to pray specifically. In all this my hope is that this would be someone’s reaction to me as I hurt others in my pain.
Charles,
You hit it right on the head! This is one of the most difficult things to deal with. It’s not just organizational, it’s relational; especially if you believe in ministry not being a flow chart thing but a relationship thing (which I know you do).
Recently an insurance company started a service where they will “break up” with your old insurance company for you, because “breaking up is hard to do”. It got me wondering if the people in my past who just dropped out of my life/ministry without calling were more motivated by guilt or embarrassment from moving on than they had any desire to cause pain. I also wondered if maybe they have understood pastoral ministry incorrectly and see it more as some kind of relational service (like a good hairdresser) than a relationship (like a good friend or family). The first you can just sort of stop showing up and hope they don’t notice; the second isn’t something you just walk away from.
But when they don’t get it, I then start wondering if it’s because I didn’t teach it well. I know it’s wrong and counterproductive, but we pastors tend to blame ourselves when it goes wrong…
Sorry for the extra long reply, but you hit a nerve. Thanks for authentically sharing!
Great thoughts Charles…thanks for being so “real”…and as I read the portion about your thankfulness of having the honor to shape/influence the lives of those within your community, I was once again reminded of the impact that you have had on my life…my season with NHSB has definitely had a lasting influence on how I approach ministry…so, thanks for being a great friend and “pastor”…smile…
Thanks for your note Christine. This is definitely a tender topic for many of us. I’m glad you were reminded by God about “hurt people”.
Tim, I’m there with you. It’s interesting that some would opt out of awkwardness or embarrassment even if it meant that there could be a blessing of departure. It’s unfortunate and awkward when you run into them around town. It gets even worse when they act like nothing has happened.
Feel so bad for them.
I appreciate your example of the distinction between hairdresser and friend. Good illustration.
Hey Lisa, it was a pleasure working with you at New Hope. I’m so glad you felt benefit and formation from your time with us. So glad we’re staying in touch online. Appreciate you.
Well done Charles! I have to remember that relationships have a shelf-life, an expiration date. I look at what I was able to do for the person and did I serve them well. If I did, I feel less hurt over their departure. Sometimes people don’t know what to say when they leave a relationship or a church or quit a company, they just calm up and jam out. Sometimes their re-entry into my life or my church feels funny. I have people in my church who are on their fourth or fifth go around here – since I have been here over 23 years, I have seen them come, we pour into them, they leave, they come back, they leave…..But when it is a close relationship it is tough. Again, did I serve them well, add value to their life. I remember Jesus and Philippians 2 – the attitude of Jesus – I am to serve others with no guarentee of them reciprocating or no warranty that they stick around. Jesus died for people who will not acknowlege Him …at least not now.
Well said Bernie…always appreciate your insights. I honestly believe that many just don’t know what to say so they just leave. It may not sound that mature for adults to do, but I do understand. It’s so good to hear about your faithfulness to one church and how you have been able to see long-term results. Thanks for sharing.
Great insight Charles. Good stuff!
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